nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
I was inundated today by people telling me to get cupcakes, and it tiffed me off. After a few months of my medication not seeming to work, it's coming back like a miracle. A real champ. I can focus through almost my entire work day, and I think soon I'll just need a short recharge period for after work.

It's wonderful and I'm so happy.

I'm also not hungry, and it's the best worst side effect ever. The best - it's great to kick start weight loss, I suppose. The worst though, is being frustrated at every meal when you start hungry but a few bites in and you are ready to be done. Nothing like eating for calories instead of health.

But here's the strange thing. I can tell that I should be hungry. Like, my body is sending half-signals, like a grind in my stomach, saying feed me. Food however, sounds like a horrible trial. Cooking? Ugh. Heating? Ugh. Fork to mouth? Terrifying. Decrease in appetite comes in strange forms, for me, it's almost like an active disinterest. I should be hungry, but finishing that bagel at breakfast is just too damn difficult.

Also, it's hilarious that the husband still expects me to make dinner. Or that for dinner last night we went and got mexican, which I don't like to begin with.

And having to explain why no, I don't want to go downstairs and get a free cupcake before I attempt to eat my lunch (leftover pork roast, a package of steamed veggies. Delicious, healthy, and the first vegetables I've had since Sunday) several times to well-meaning co-workers sucks. There's no reason to be upset at them for saying I should get some.


...but can I just be spared from "That's fantastic! I wish I was on that medication!" out of every woman's lips? Thank you.
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)

dear minimed and the two insurance companies that I am now hating:

PLEASE GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR COLLECTIVE ASSES. Insurer #1: Process and pay for the previous and current pump supplies. Insurer #2 Thank you for at least being prompt, but please with the paying as well. Minimed? Take the hold off of our account. It's insurance screwing you over, not us.

Dearest sister in law: I love you. We've got your back whenever you need it.
 

ugh

Feb. 5th, 2012 08:11 pm
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)

I haven't even gotten my bonus yet and it's all gone. To the taxman. I am so grateful that this is the last year I have to deal with the contractor shit from the husbands lazy-ass boss. I really do have half a mind to report the guy to the IRS for the year of misclassified employment status. And I did not save nearly enough to cover the tax bill this year, because well, there's always bills and shit that come up.

But at least we have my bonus to pay for the majority of it, the money I did save, and we won't have to dip it into the daily expenses too much. But it isn't what I wanted to do with my bonus.

But hey, Tribal Revolution is paid for and it's going to be a blast!
 

nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
Everyone pretty much has this mind-eye picture of someone with ADHD: can't settle, always on the go, can't do just one thing. Blah blah blah. And you know what, that's pretty accurate. The whole point is that somethings messing up the ability to focus. When my SiL mentions that to stay up, she just grabs a couple of projects to work on, that's a huge shock to me -- because I don't have an attention span after about 7 pm. I've used it all up, no spoons left.

It was actually worse when I was in the call center, because there I had no breaks or moments to try to regain my focus. It was a constant, but I tried to make it serve the customer. That repeat what the person said trick? That was really me buying time to sort out what was actually said. I was good there. But I'm far better in my job now because if my attention wanders, I can take a few minutes and let it reset. I'm the single most productive member on the staff, and my supervisor pretty much takes a blind eye to my internet wanderings because my output is twice that of the rest.

My secret is that, these little wanders aside, I work until my focus is gone and then I switch it to something else work-related, like my insurance courses.

The other secret is that sometimes, I'm really not doing any work for hours.

Go back to  your mental image of someone with ADHD. That type of inattention is basically the brain going "PROCESS ALL THE THINGS" and attempting to do that by flitting from one to the other. I can actually harness this type at work: I look up a product, I compare a product, I search for a product, I read metafilter and bhuz. No biggie -- I might not be able to settle on a single screen, but I don't need to, I've modified the steps to service my needs. I can do that because I am aware of it thanks to my medication, and I can change it through behavior modifications.

But there's a second form of inattention that I haven't figured out how to deal with, and it's why I came home from work early today. It's basically zombie fog. You know that what you need to pay attention to is right in front of you, but its obfuscated and just out of reach. Eventually, your brain just starts fanning out, trying to find a way through the fog, but it just keeps getting lost along the way. You zone out, you day dream...it's all very frustrating, because every redirection you take to whatever needs attention is still in the fog when you return to it.

This one happens to me more as I get tired, as my reserves dry up. So on days like today, when I'm sick and didn't get much quality sleep? Once I'm at that point, the only thing I can do is wait it out until I basically have a hard reset, and I don't know what that'll take. I'm struggling with it now, and hoping I'll get a reset before going to dance class.
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
I am reasonably certain that working out in brand new shoes and THEN going roller skating (with, what seemed like every 6-8th grader in pekin) is not the best idea. But I did it, and it was awesome.

And now I'm off to the gym again. I love our new golds express. It is really a great place to work out and super cheap. Now I just need to not be afraid of actual weights.
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
I sort of feel like falling over from all the stuff I'm doing this week. I'll encapsulate later, but the hallmarks:

Thursday: Club Bellydance BDSS show
Friday: nick's school musical (oh yay, middle schoolers)
Today: hiking at Starved Rock with the family except for Tobin, which makes me sad.
Tomorrow: Soup's On Fundraiser, again with the family except for Tobin, which also makes me sad.

Eventually, I need to get out of bed and get dress and packed for heading to Starved Rock and then Naperville.
nuri: half a womans face, focus on the scarf. (fall)
I went to a bad wedding this weekend. I hate saying that, because really, weddings are not about the guests. They are for sharing love and affection with us, yes, but it's what the bride and groom want. But yesh, ugly megachurch, creepy wife-submitting without irony verses, a far too long wait between the wedding and the reception (whereupon we found a dive bar and invaded in our dressy clothes). The hall was capital K Klassy, had horrible service, gave us cold food, there was a bone in my soup...

The list actually goes on, but I'll stop there and say what I did like: The favors were fun ribbons on a stick, which is really quite novel, the colors were bright and cheerful without being neon, the bride looked great, the groom did too, and the dive bar was a blast. And they sat us with a bunch of our friends and we were rowdy, singing and laughing, learned a polish drinking song.

It left me socialled out for the entirety of today. I feel like I have a hangover, and I didn't even drink anything. It's kind of silly.
nuri: Mucha print of Northstar (Northstar)

a repost from Twisted Ingenue, my wordpress blog. I felt like sharing with everyone.

 

“This is what I believe: That I am I. That my soul is a dark forest. That my known self will never be more than a little clearing in the forest. That gods, strange gods, come forth from the forest into the clearing of my known self, and then go back. That I must have the courage to let them come and go. That I will never let mankind put anything over me, but that I will try always to recognize and submit to the gods in me and the gods in other men and women. There is my creed.”
DH Lawrence

I need to admit it, I haven't been feeling or hearing from Dionysos lately. Even though I am having really good dance practice, which is my usual devotional practice for him, I think I have entered a time where he has gone from my dark forest. And it is hard to have that courage to not rant and rave at this. I mean, I know I have a stronger and more aware connection during the winter and dark months, and that's why this summer has felt a little low, but it always feels like a profound loss.

At the same time, Hestia has been really strong over the past couple of months. I've really been growing into her domestic cult, into making a house a home. I've expanded my skills! Added new dishes to my cooking, getting into cleaning and organizing, supporting my husband, embracing simplicity. The hearth is strong and my relationships are strong. This little fledging practice of mine is truly blossoming.

And I think, as the seasons turn, this too will provide a platform for a deepening and different experience of Dionysos, who calls the women out of their domesticity to revel and partake of the wine and his mysteries.

I am truly blessed to have heard and accepted with courage these two gods, the cornerstones of my life.

nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
Nick's homeroom students all have to do "About Me" posters and share them with the rest of the class. One of the parts of the poster is "My Biggest Wish". Since I was helping out in his classroom today, playing with his classroom library again, I poked through them. Most students wrote about having lots of money, but one of his students wrote, "That Diabetes didn't exist"

Nick of course is going to tell this kid that he doesn't have to share that part with the whole class if he doesn't want to, but seriously, kid, break my goddamn heart. Including this kid, there are 3 type 1 sixth graders and another in eighth. Nick's taken an interest in this kid to help him with his pump and other advice, for the obvious reason.

This of course is after the hilarious conferance where the mom pulled out a bunch of paperwork on recognizing low blood sugars and such, and nick answered by pulling out his pump and saying he understood.
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
I'm a teacher's wife! Nick got a job!
I also reported a coworker for inappropriate comments today!

As you can tell, today has just been highs and lows.

noms noms

Aug. 7th, 2011 09:52 am
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
After a drop in my mood yesterday that threatened to become one of those horrible depressive episodes, Becky came over and helped me through my weekend chores. I am so grateful that she moved down here to Bloomington.

And then I made dinner. I love roasting chickens. I seasoned with onion and garlic powders, paprika, honey and brown sugar, stuffing it with lemon and onions. And then I made fudge and things got even better. Sometimes I think I should buy a slightly better camera and start taking pictures. But then I might have to work on that whole presentation thing.

I'm feeling a good bit better, too. I seriously don't know what broke in my head yesterday, but I am so thankful that I know what steps to take to stop it from getting worse.

In other news, nick had another interview this week, I'm trying to get a friend from the BRC into my current department, I discovered text to speech on my kindle and the house is a mess.

adhd, lol

Jul. 25th, 2011 09:39 pm
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
I keep wanting to take pictures of my altars, of my neatly arranged bookshelves, etc, now that we are almost done organizing the bedroom. But I keep forgetting that my camera doesn't have batteries it, then I forget to buy them.

Never fear though, because I just set the rechargables to charge overnight. I should be able to take photos tomorrow.

And when I take photos, ignore the random microwave. We aren't sure what to do with it. Either basement or my brothers, but right now, it's at the foot of the bed. Also, having nice, neat bookshelves, freshly weeded, is surprising refreshing, and makes me change my mind about having books as decoration.
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
I spent this weekend, again, doing work around the house. No real big adventures, just maintence cleaning and washing the bedding.

The big work was fixing up the shrines. Since I wanted to be able to move the small TV into the bedroom so that I could use it to work on dance DVDs and such, I needed space on the dresser to do so. The shrines needed to go. I spent a week trying to figure out if it was right to simplify down shrine peices and condense three or four shrines into one place.

In addition to my altar, I keep 3 other shrines: Hera, Aphrodite, Hermes and Marriage. I split up the pieces in the Marriage shrine, some staying on the dresser as decor, and the rest (which I want to make into a shadowbox) on the lefthand side of one of our bookcases. On the right hand side, I arrange my Hera shrine.

Aphrodite got the biggest change.

For years I've been using this big, lush red candle I got as a gift as a centerpiece for the shrine. I actually HATED this candle. It didn't smell good, and while the fabric it came on was nice, it really dominated everything. So out it went (saving the fabric for other uses), along with some shells that a student gave me.

I kept a tiger shell I bought in Florida and a delicate glass perfume holder as the two pieces of her shrine that really meant something. I think it works much better now. I love how thematic the shrine is, all Love and Marriage.

And that of course means I moved the Hermes bits completly. He doesn't have much, a candle wrapped with a coin and a big key I've had since I was a kid. I placed it on top of my jewelry box for now.

One of my roommates gave me a GIANT bouquet of uncut, straight from the bird, peacock feathers. I've put them behind my main altar for now while I try to figure out what to do with the things. I know I adore peacocks in all their glory, but what does one do with this many when you aren't very crafty.

Besides annoy my husband, because I've already done that. And he's only been home for a couple of hours.

I need to locate my camera, and then I'll take photos of the shrines and altar.

(Also, I have shit-tons of crap that needs to go to goodwill or put up on craigslist. But I have no will to do so. This is almost distressing)
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
our housing issue has been resolved, but not at all to our liking. We have to take apart nick's office over the next month so that the room (the smallest in the house) can be rented out. There's more, but I am actually getting tired of talking about it, and of being upset and frustrated. It's time to deal with it.

Dealing with it this weekend has meant lots of cleaning. We've let it build up over the past two weeks due to the unpleasantness and just being busy. I feel better now. Biggest thing? I cleaned out the closet and reorganized it. Now there's a lot of space to move the upstairs office stuff in. I have a canvas bag full of things to donate. yay. And lots more to work on selling. Mostly anime stuff and 2nd ed D&D books and modules. (interested, let me know. Also looking to unload magic cards as one collection)

The next big thing I need to do is a book reorganization. I've weeded a bit, nick has weeded a couple, but we bought a lot more books, so it's time to go through them all. What I want to pull out and store are books that would be for nick's future classroom. I think that'll free up some room as well.

I'm also trying to figure out the concept of make-ahead meals. So today's cooking experiment (yesterdays was banana bread) was freezing burritos. I suppose I will find out if they do well when we eat a few later this week. At least people liked the dip I made with the leftovers.

I'm also debating condensing a few of my shrines into one with an overreaching theme of marriage, and moving the Hermes one to work after we move. It's a debate because of space limitations, mostly. And it fits well into my theme of simplification --but yesh, I feel bad taking down shrines.
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)

1. I'm not worried about dancing true to my "authentic self", I am dancing in all of my parts. There is no authentic true self, there is just me. 



2. Dancing is not serious bizness. Dancing is fun. While I might get serious about my dancing and my community, when it's not fun, it's time to step back and find the fun again. Fun comes in many forms  and sometime the thinky-bits are the most fun.



3. My real hobby is dress up. Bellydancing is just another expression of that. Just a lot more active.



4. As with the rest of my life as I try to engage in a simpler life; I chose to dance. It is a fun, engaging hobby and an outlet for my creativity. It is good to my body, it is good to my brain, and it is always a challenge.



Current Dance Goals:



1. Performance Quality: I want to get my confidence and performance skills to a point where I could dance outside of student shows. I'm going to work on this by performing when I can at student haflas and shows, and work on not shutting down while dancing. I think my technique is there, but I'm too inside myself while performing to engage with the audience

2. No more t-rex arms. Arms need to exhibit grace and intention, even at rest. This is difficult for me, not being the most body aware person.



3. Enjoy and expand my improv skills. I enjoy improv right now, but I feel like I do just one thing at a time, I want to work on pulling together pieces to make something coherent.



4. Practice, practice, practice. Do something almost every day. I can take one day a week off. Even if I just improv for 5 minutes, I can engage myself and improve.



5. Physical challenges to break down: floorwork, going into plie (and figure out where the issue is, cause it's not my hip at all), adding additional layering (footwork, body and arms!), endurance. These will be targeted during my morning sessions, and hopefully during class and informal drilling sessions.

nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
I like having days to myself. I feel both so lazy and productive. First the bad; Got a letter from the district husband had his interview at. It's a letter, so yeah, he didn't get either position. But at least he got interview experience. He's at an event right now, so he's enjoying himself.

So I've been by myself all day today. And it's been really nice and relaxing. I couldn't sleep last night, and I woke up early (Family trait. I think my internal clock is the only one calibrated for so late in the morning; 7 am!). I treated myself to a lie-in before getting stared with dance drills.

Then, I totally started doing shit. Laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping, baking. Oh the baking -- I just finished for the night. I think I may be going overboard since the oven got fixed. Today was cookies; lemon and oatmeal toffee and I made lemon-blueberry muffins as well. It's just been a great day to recharge my batteries, work has been really stressful, and I'm really grateful that I don't take it home with me.

I've got a blank page for articulating my dance goals, but that's more because I procrastinated by baking. Hey, if you didn't have an oven for a couple of months, you would too.

Not sure if I'll be social tomorrow. I have more things on my todo list, mostly cleaning. I like the quiet though. I really felt like time was my own and I was responsible only for myself. And I still got things done. It feels good. But oh, I miss my husband. I think that's why I'm wired and can't sleep -- he's very grounding, and I can't wait until he gets back tomorrow.
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
....I think I may be more apphrensive about Nick's job interview that he had today than he is. His was the last interview, and they said they will probably decide Friday for the two positions. If nick gets the call, he's taking it, doesn't want to deal with any more applications.

So cross your fingers, say a prayer, send good thoughts into the universe and all that shit. Nick needs a job that isn't planting trees.

Nick, by the way, is off at Geddon. Where apparently it has once again flooded. Springwars may have wacky weather, but Armageddon seems to enjoy making swimming pools out of the fighting field.

Also-- LANDLORD FINALLY GOT THE OVEN FIXED. I am planning epic baking Saturday and Sunday. It's been too long without my usually weekly Hestia devotional.
nuri: Alphonse Mucha print (Default)
Taking this one off of cross posting. Not many people read my LJ anymore, but I don't feel like broadcasting everything right now.

First, life updating time stuff, because everything is better in bullet points:
  • I am almost done with 30 Days of Paganism at my wordpress blog. Good, because I suck at doing anything timely. I'm starting to get actual traffic there too.
  • Husband worked 23 hours yesterday. He took today off, I really don't blame him. His boss is a dick for telling him to come in at 7 so they could start the driving early. They didn't leave until 3:30. Asshole. But lots of OT.
  • Trying to start up daily dance as well as daily yoga. It's harder, but I can usually get through improv of one song before I'm too exhausted.
  • Work is incredibly busy. We are almost a week behind in the main queue. I know its the busy season, I know there's been a lot more weather claims, but gods above and below, I feel like we just keep getting buried.
  • Body is back on the packing on pounds. This is getting annoying. I just don't have an infinite willpower source on weekends.
  • Wordpress blog is also starting to get followers, but no comments. That's fine, though. It's a process.
But in general, I'm actually pretty happy.

but --- that weird double standard thing that my parents have with the rest of my siblings is baffling. Middle brother gets family heirlooms, lovingly shadowboxed ...but he doesn't even get considered when my parents are trying to decide when to go on vacation in case my twin doesn't want to go? I know Philip listens to me more, but it'd be quieter at middle brothers. I'm glad they ask me what would work for me, but that's just weird.

Then again, Philip and husband get along well, he barely registers my sister in law. That probably is a consideration.
Nick and I had a stupid fight about organization and his leaving cardboard boxes on the floor, stuff like that. Again, I let my anger and resentment build up without even realizing it. It took me so long to process why it made me angry in the first place, and that always makes me feel like I'm just rationalizing. And I wish I had a better memory,  because I swear I've said things and he swears I haven't. Ugh, marriage is hard.

nuri: Redhead with headpiece in hair (Headpiece)
I've been married to my wonderful husband for 4 years. He's a grumpy asshole, who can't find the hamper ever, is secretly an idealist -- but incredibly sweet and smart. He loves me and shows it just about every day. We fight and argue, but pfft, I love him and we work well.

Here's to many many more years with the love of my fucking life.

(here's the extent of my love, no yoga this morning so that I could cuddle, and I'll probably skip my daily dance practice I'm trying to do this month to do the same.)

and for the first time, we didn't have to put our anniversery dinner on the credit card. Things are looking up!
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